Restaurant Somewhat Confidential: Some Tips for Surviving the Business

1. If and when your chef gets arrested for unpaid tickets, take an Aleve, call your local jail to locate him/her, find out the bail amount, let the Aleve kick in, and get someone else in the kitchen to cover till they get out.

2. If a customer asks for a dish to be spicy, you make it spicy, they complain that it isn't spicy, and the next time they come in you happen to have a Habanero pepper lying around, use two and don't refill their water. They'll be fine.

3. If you can't see the customer, you don't have to acknowledge their existence.

4. Don't let bad reviews on restaurant review websites get to you, but if they do, feel free to write a couple fake reviews.

5. The Heimlich maneuver works, so if a customer shows the slightest sign of choking, apply it, because violating an ugly person's personal space is much better than dealing with a coroner, because they tend to smell and act like they're better than you.

6. If someone has had a few too many and wants a few too many more, oblige them, cause the tip will be huge (drunk= bad with numbers, white and drunk= really bad with numbers), but call them a cab when they're done.

7. Cheap people live and die horribly. Take solace in this.

8. Don't sacrifice anything for quality. Ever.

9. Keep a good amount of change in the restaurant.

10. When someone complains about the high price of your food, explain to them the factors that go into the price (food cost, fresh ingredients, labor, gas, water, rent, etc.) and then point them in the direction of the nearby Olive Garden that they obviously meant to go to.

The 230 Movies I Plan To See From Now To December, With Trailers! (Part I)

So this weekend officially and freals kicks off oscar season, with the Toronto International Film Festival closing up and studios having finished releasing all their leftovers (yes, Nick Cage, that includes your rape of a classic). This means that not only do we get hit with a shitload of new films, but films that might have actual quality. Here's a rundown of all the films I plan to see from now to the end of the season, not just the ones I'm most excited for. I'll get to that later.

Burn After Reading: September 12th
The Coens? Being funny? After directing a superserious modern day masterpiece? Tones of The Big Lebowski? Yeah, I'm there.

Igor: September 19th
I'll do anything for John Cusack, especially after Say Anything, and even after Must Love Dogs.

Lakeview Terrace: September 19th
Samuel L. Jackson. Yelling. A lot.

My Best Friend's Girl: September 19th
I hate Dane Cook, but god dammit can he play an asshole. Oh, and Alec Baldwin is the second coming of Christ.

Appaloosa: September 19th
Jesus there's a lot of stuff coming on the 19th. Anyway, Viggo, Ed Harris, Jeremy Irons, guns. I'll see it depsite Renee Zellwegger.

The Duchess: September 19th
Ok this is ridiculous. I should have just done a fucking post on September 19th and why the industry seems to think this is the best day to release shit. This pretty much looks like Pride & Prejudice 2, with more pretty dresses, so why not?

Eagle Eye: September 26th
I gotta hand it to Shia, he's really growing as an actor and choosing roles in some pretty great projects (A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints, Disturbia, Transformers, ignoring Indy IV). This looks like a pretty good thrill ride with some original action sequences, and Rosario Dawson.

Blindness: September 26th
Anything that goes from described as "trash" by critics one month to being hailed the next (after some quick editing) should be interesting.

Miracle at St. Anna: September 26th
Spike Lee may be a jackass who tends to annoy the hell out of me, but he has a great eye for story and suspense, making his first foray into a war something to see.

The Lucky Ones: September 26th
Haven't seen Rachel McAdams in like forever. Or Tim Robbins. Or Micheal Pena. Should be good.

Choke: September 26th
God dammit I cannot fucking wait.

Flash of Genius: October 3rd
Have you seen Greg Kinnear lately? He's been amazing in everything lately, even Baby Mama! Baby Mama!

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People: October 3rd
Simon Pegg being a bastard, an English bastard. Jeff Bridges being wacky. Kirsten Dunst, whatever. Thank god for Megan Fox.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist: October 3rd
Michael Cera being awkward. Kat Dennings being cute. John Cho being... somewhere in there. Can't go wrong.

RocknRolla: October 3rd
I'm considering flying to London in the next 2 weeks just to see this before it comes to the States. From what I've read, Ritchie's back to his Lock, Stock and Snatch roots, which is completely welcome after Revolver.

Rachel Getting Married: October 3rd
One of the requisite "dysfunctional family" indie films that come around every season, with Anne Hathaway being the latest actress to go this route. Reminds me a lot of Margot At The Wedding, which was alright...

Religilous: October 3rd
Bill Maher lampooning religion. Could go either way.

Body of Lies: October 10th
Not that interested, but still interested.

City of Ember: October 10th
Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Bill Murray.

Quarantine: October 10th
Pretty decent horror plot with an attractive female lead. I think that's the tagline...

Wow, that's a lot more than I initially started with. I'll come back with part 2 later, cause I'm too fuckin lazy right now.

Favorite Moments In Film

Still makes me laugh every time.

Oh Hey, From Before...

So I obviously haven't written anything here for awhile. The last 2 months have just been extremely busy and trying, and although it's not like the next few are going to be any different, I figure I need to take time every now and then to do some things for myself, and I happen to consider this blog one of those things. At least here I can post all the "inappropriate" thoughts that go through my head, the ones that too "wrong" and "offensive" for the workplace, and since my co-workers tend to read this thing sometimes, it's only fitting. Plus I've discovered so many more things to waste time writing about, especially about Indian people (assholes) as well as the occasional restaurant yarn (I saved a fat guy!) or documenting of my mastering of basic culinary skills (going terribly). I hope to update this every few days, but we'll see how well that goes, since I stick to things about as well as Eastern Europeans do to showering.

Favorite Moments in Film

So I haven't written anything here for awhile as the last few weeks have been hectic and I've been lazier than usual. I feel energized today since I'll be seeing The Dark Knight tonight (in IMAX, the right way) and, in reading report after report about how great Heath's performance is, couldn't help thinking about my favorite Heath moment. I'll be checking in more often from now on, but for now, enjoy the wonderfulness that is this scene.

Oh, and fuck you Brett.

Favorite Moments in Film

Silence of the Lambs. Lecter's escape. Those of you who don't like blood, don't watch.

Epic.

Favorite Moments in Film

Very few people tend to watch martial arts films from asia these days, settling for the over-stylized choreography Hollywood offers in every other action movie. This scene is from Tom Yung Goong, a Thai film starring Tony Jaa, the current king of martial arts in Asia, who does all of his own crazy, insane stunts. Not only is it one long take, but one long crazy fight scene that defies movie-making rules. Behold the awesomeness.