Saturday, May 10, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Wednesdays With Oliver
Let me preface this edition of W.W.O. by assuring the doubtful that yes, Oliver is a real person, and yes, he is this ignorant.
Oliver: So like do you guys ever wear turbans?
Me: No. Never. Please stop asking questions.
Oliver: So which Indians wear turbans?
Me: Jesus fucking... OK, the main religion in India is Hinduism, which is SEPARATE from Islam, and in Hinduism, there are different sects, like in Christianity, and one of them is the Sikhs, and part of their religion is to wear turbans. We are not Sikhs. I am not religious. Did you follow all of that?
Oliver: Yeah.
Me: Good.
Oliver: But like, my brother's a radiologist, and he said that most Indians and Arab people wear turbans, and he's pretty smart bro.
Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Oliver: I thought you weren't religious.
Me: Was that a joke? Did you actually make a smart joke?
Oliver: No man, he's really a radiologist.
Me: (Sigh) That's great. Go talk to Tony for awhile.
Oliver: He told me to talk to you a little bit ago.
Me: TONY YOU FUCK!
Oliver: So like do you guys ever wear turbans?
Me: No. Never. Please stop asking questions.
Oliver: So which Indians wear turbans?
Me: Jesus fucking... OK, the main religion in India is Hinduism, which is SEPARATE from Islam, and in Hinduism, there are different sects, like in Christianity, and one of them is the Sikhs, and part of their religion is to wear turbans. We are not Sikhs. I am not religious. Did you follow all of that?
Oliver: Yeah.
Me: Good.
Oliver: But like, my brother's a radiologist, and he said that most Indians and Arab people wear turbans, and he's pretty smart bro.
Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Oliver: I thought you weren't religious.
Me: Was that a joke? Did you actually make a smart joke?
Oliver: No man, he's really a radiologist.
Me: (Sigh) That's great. Go talk to Tony for awhile.
Oliver: He told me to talk to you a little bit ago.
Me: TONY YOU FUCK!
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Pros Of Having A Smart Car (So Far)
1. Obviously, the gas mileage. Pulling like 40mpg at the moment.
2. The attention. For an attention whore like me, it's perfect.
3. Meeting interesting people. All kinds of people keep coming up to me and asking me about the car or taking pictures, from old women to schoolbuses full of kids. Many grassroots "save the environment" people seem to be coming out the woodwork and finding me as well, generally excited by the car and the "good" I'm doing. Thumbs up for me!*
4. Making people smile. Almost everyone who sees the car does a double take and just smiles, which is a nice thing to inspire in people I guess. Lots of waving and respectful head nodding involved as well.
5. Pissing off Bug owners. I hate the Bug, so this works out well for me.
6. Phone numbers from cute girls. I've gotten 3 so far, one yesterday at a stop sign. I probably should have made this #1...
I'm sure there will be many more soon to come.
*Note: I think these people are idiots.
2. The attention. For an attention whore like me, it's perfect.
3. Meeting interesting people. All kinds of people keep coming up to me and asking me about the car or taking pictures, from old women to schoolbuses full of kids. Many grassroots "save the environment" people seem to be coming out the woodwork and finding me as well, generally excited by the car and the "good" I'm doing. Thumbs up for me!*
4. Making people smile. Almost everyone who sees the car does a double take and just smiles, which is a nice thing to inspire in people I guess. Lots of waving and respectful head nodding involved as well.
5. Pissing off Bug owners. I hate the Bug, so this works out well for me.
6. Phone numbers from cute girls. I've gotten 3 so far, one yesterday at a stop sign. I probably should have made this #1...
I'm sure there will be many more soon to come.
*Note: I think these people are idiots.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
And The Summer Movie Season Truly Begins
Summer movies seen so far:
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Perhaps my favorite comedy in the last 5 years. Definitely the best from Apatown and 10X more heart than Superbad.
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay: A little derivative, but still a good sequel. NPH owns.
Baby Mama: ...
Iron Man: Saw it tonight. Robert Downey Jr. is amazing. Totally kicked off the summer. Must see.
Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Perhaps my favorite comedy in the last 5 years. Definitely the best from Apatown and 10X more heart than Superbad.
Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay: A little derivative, but still a good sequel. NPH owns.
Baby Mama: ...
Iron Man: Saw it tonight. Robert Downey Jr. is amazing. Totally kicked off the summer. Must see.
Friday, April 25, 2008
My Problem with Indian People (Part 3 of a 500-part series)
9:05pm: Phone call
Me: We close at 10 and our kitchen closes at 9:45,
Desi: If we come at 9:30 could you give us a few extra minutes until 10:10 maybe?
Me: Sure, not a problem sir, we'll see you shortly.
9:40pm: 2 out of the 6 people have arrived
9:52pm: All 6 people have arrived
Me: What would you like to drink?
Desi: Can we get two waters, three hot waters, and one chilled water?
Me: And for dinner?
Desi: Please don't rush. We only just now arrived.
Me: Yes, but I did explain that the kitchen closes at 9:45 and out staff is waiting for your order before leaving.
Desi: Just 5 minutes.
10:05: They order 3 dishes and 6 naans...
10:15: Food goes out.
10:45: They finish eating.
10:48: Hand them the check.
11:05: They decide to pay. With 6 cards.
11:20: They leave. $1.00 tip on each charge.*
11:22: I lock the door, turn off the lights, and die a little inside. Then I gorge on In-N-Out. It blocks the pain.
*I'll get to tipping next time.
Me: We close at 10 and our kitchen closes at 9:45,
Desi: If we come at 9:30 could you give us a few extra minutes until 10:10 maybe?
Me: Sure, not a problem sir, we'll see you shortly.
9:40pm: 2 out of the 6 people have arrived
9:52pm: All 6 people have arrived
Me: What would you like to drink?
Desi: Can we get two waters, three hot waters, and one chilled water?
Me: And for dinner?
Desi: Please don't rush. We only just now arrived.
Me: Yes, but I did explain that the kitchen closes at 9:45 and out staff is waiting for your order before leaving.
Desi: Just 5 minutes.
10:05: They order 3 dishes and 6 naans...
10:15: Food goes out.
10:45: They finish eating.
10:48: Hand them the check.
11:05: They decide to pay. With 6 cards.
11:20: They leave. $1.00 tip on each charge.*
11:22: I lock the door, turn off the lights, and die a little inside. Then I gorge on In-N-Out. It blocks the pain.
*I'll get to tipping next time.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Wednesdays With Oliver
Oliver: Dude, I was like clearing that table, and I knocked over the beer bottle, and the guy was like "Don't worry, we drank it all" and I was like "Can I get you another?" and he was like "Yeah, why not." It was so money!
Me: Just be careful next time.
Oliver: We were all laughing, it was so money!
Me: Stop saying money.
Oliver: Why? It was money.
Me: What does that even mean?
Oliver: It's like, money man.
Me: You're fired.
Oliver: For reals dude?
Me: I wish.
Oliver: Haha, good one!
Me: (glare)
Me: Just be careful next time.
Oliver: We were all laughing, it was so money!
Me: Stop saying money.
Oliver: Why? It was money.
Me: What does that even mean?
Oliver: It's like, money man.
Me: You're fired.
Oliver: For reals dude?
Me: I wish.
Oliver: Haha, good one!
Me: (glare)
Monday, April 21, 2008
NEW CAR!
So I finally got my first car last Sunday, and it's amazing.
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