My Problem with Indian People (Part 4 of a 500-part series)

Dear (Indian) Sir,

I'm staring at the charge slip you just signed. I see your signature, the charge amount, the suggested tip amounts, and then your tip. Why? Why so little? You just paid over $100 for your dinner, and yet you leave $2.00 for the tip. Why? You raved about how good everything was, you had no complaints, I put up with your stuck-up bullshit and your ugly ill-mannered children who made a complete fucking mess by throwing rice everywhere. Yet still, there it is, you perpetuating the stereotype that Indian people are cheap and don't tip, which isn't really a stereotype since the majority of them are cheap, like you, you douchenozzle. You're not in India anymore, you can't pull this bullshit here. I hear you complaining sometimes about how Americans treat you like you're an Indian stereotype for "no reason," but the problem is that you have your head stuck so far up your ass that you can't see that their actions are sadly justified. The worst part of your lack of intelligence and disregard for human decency is, your bastard children are learning this habit from you, who will undoubtedly instill it in their children, and so on and so fucking forth. So next time you're in, please, man up and try to leave, oh, I don't know, I'll be lenient, 10% for the tip. Just remember, if you don't, I'll add it for you, because I fucking can.

Love,
Pissed off NRI

P.S. Get a decent haircut. Your head looks like a poodle's ass.

Cons of Having a Smart Car (So Far)

1. The attention. Sometimes it's a little awkward. Everyone needs a little private time in their car to pick their nose and such, but now I can't because every damn person is watching me.

2. Meeting interesting people. People are fucking weird. And ballsy. I've already had two people ask me to give them a ride around parking lots (which I did) and one (huge) guy ask to sit in the front seat (which I allowed out of fear). I also don't enjoy sitting in a restaurant and watching people paw, stroke, and look inside the car while I'm eating. I'm looking into shock-alarm systems...

3. Idiots trying to race me. Now I'm always down for this at least once a day, but I don't need every other Beamer-driving asshole looking over at me, waving, honking, or otherwise indicating to me that they want to race. At this point, I may just swerve into you and force you into a ditch, and there's a shitload of ditches around here.

4. Drivers slowing down to look. This is extremely annoying as of late, even more so when I'm in a rush. The fact that I have an adorable car does not mean you need to slow down to look or take extra time at a stop sign, especially when YOU'RE IN FRONT OF ME!

5. People laughing. I don't get what's so funny about a small Indian guy driving a cute tiny blue car while blasting Tori Amos with his windows down. Someone explain this to me.

I'm sure there will be many more of these to come as well.

Wednesdays With Oliver

Oliver: So like, were you born brown?

Me: (glare)

Oliver: Like when you were a baby?

Me: Seriously? Are you really asking me this? Do you think I was born white and got browner over time?

Oliver: No, I mean like, were you whiter than you are now, and like you got browner after being in the sun more growing up?

Me: Do you think black people get blacker over time?

Oliver: Yeah dude. They like come out brown and get black, and I thought like brown people are less brown and get really brown.

Me: Did you grow up with any black friends?

Oliver: Yeah, a lot man.

Me: Did they get darker over the years?

Oliver: I don't know, they just beat me up a lot.

Me: I wonder why...

Oliver: Cause I was fat bro and couldn't run away fast.

Me: That's a good reason too.

How I Saved Myself From A Year's Worth of Guilt Trips

So I kicked Mother's Day's ass. Finally. See, I've somewhat screwed up the last 5 rounds of this joyous occasion, either by forgetting totally or fucking up what I had planned. The worst one was about 4 years ago, when I was driving home late the night before and remembered to pick up a card, grabbed the first one I saw at CVS, and was horrified as it was opened by my mother the following morning, realizing that it was addressed to an expecting mother. Yeah, that was bad, but it's in the past and doesn't really matter anymore since I fucking nailed it today.

The first step I took towards being a decent human being involved actually listening to my mother for the past 2 weeks in order to surmise what she might enjoy as a present. Thankfully, the Today Show helps advertise lots of useless items that would bring joy into the middle-aged woman across the nation. Of all the things that really catch her attention, it's a decorative cupcake book.

Cupcakes.

She never makes cupcakes. I have never seen her make them or heard her mention any stories in which cupcakes were involved, but fuck it, she was excited, and now I had something to get her. I drove like a madman (everyday driving) to the nearest B&N, grabbed the only copy, a card, and an iced tea for myself (I require positive reinforcement). All that was left was the easy part: breakfast.

Woke up at like 6 this morning to start cooking some cupcakes to decorate with one of the ideas from the book (which are pretty nifty). Yes, I just used the word nifty. Breakfast itself consisted of a light fruit salad to start, followed by Eggs Benedict, and finished off with the cupcakes. Here's how it all turned out:

Eggs Benedict.

"Spaghetti and Meatballs" Cupcakes. Made using Ferrero Rocher chocolates, raspberry jam, and regular frosting.

Needless to say, she was ecstatic and amazed at not only my culinary ability (which she regularly has no faith in) but the fact that I didn't fuck up. And of course, after happily thanking me, she tacks on the disclaimer "But there's always next year..." So much for guilt-free.

Why Orange County Disgusts Me (Occasionally)

Wednesdays With Oliver

Let me preface this edition of W.W.O. by assuring the doubtful that yes, Oliver is a real person, and yes, he is this ignorant.

Oliver: So like do you guys ever wear turbans?

Me: No. Never. Please stop asking questions.

Oliver: So which Indians wear turbans?

Me: Jesus fucking... OK, the main religion in India is Hinduism, which is SEPARATE from Islam, and in Hinduism, there are different sects, like in Christianity, and one of them is the Sikhs, and part of their religion is to wear turbans. We are not Sikhs. I am not religious. Did you follow all of that?

Oliver: Yeah.

Me: Good.

Oliver: But like, my brother's a radiologist, and he said that most Indians and Arab people wear turbans, and he's pretty smart bro.

Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Oliver: I thought you weren't religious.

Me: Was that a joke? Did you actually make a smart joke?

Oliver: No man, he's really a radiologist.

Me: (Sigh) That's great. Go talk to Tony for awhile.

Oliver: He told me to talk to you a little bit ago.

Me: TONY YOU FUCK!

Pros Of Having A Smart Car (So Far)

1. Obviously, the gas mileage. Pulling like 40mpg at the moment.

2. The attention. For an attention whore like me, it's perfect.

3. Meeting interesting people. All kinds of people keep coming up to me and asking me about the car or taking pictures, from old women to schoolbuses full of kids. Many grassroots "save the environment" people seem to be coming out the woodwork and finding me as well, generally excited by the car and the "good" I'm doing. Thumbs up for me!*

4. Making people smile. Almost everyone who sees the car does a double take and just smiles, which is a nice thing to inspire in people I guess. Lots of waving and respectful head nodding involved as well.

5. Pissing off Bug owners. I hate the Bug, so this works out well for me.

6. Phone numbers from cute girls. I've gotten 3 so far, one yesterday at a stop sign. I probably should have made this #1...

I'm sure there will be many more soon to come.

*Note: I think these people are idiots.