Thursday, September 18, 2008

Restaurant Somewhat Confidential: Some Tips for Surviving the Business

1. If and when your chef gets arrested for unpaid tickets, take an Aleve, call your local jail to locate him/her, find out the bail amount, let the Aleve kick in, and get someone else in the kitchen to cover till they get out.

2. If a customer asks for a dish to be spicy, you make it spicy, they complain that it isn't spicy, and the next time they come in you happen to have a Habanero pepper lying around, use two and don't refill their water. They'll be fine.

3. If you can't see the customer, you don't have to acknowledge their existence.

4. Don't let bad reviews on restaurant review websites get to you, but if they do, feel free to write a couple fake reviews.

5. The Heimlich maneuver works, so if a customer shows the slightest sign of choking, apply it, because violating an ugly person's personal space is much better than dealing with a coroner, because they tend to smell and act like they're better than you.

6. If someone has had a few too many and wants a few too many more, oblige them, cause the tip will be huge (drunk= bad with numbers, white and drunk= really bad with numbers), but call them a cab when they're done.

7. Cheap people live and die horribly. Take solace in this.

8. Don't sacrifice anything for quality. Ever.

9. Keep a good amount of change in the restaurant.

10. When someone complains about the high price of your food, explain to them the factors that go into the price (food cost, fresh ingredients, labor, gas, water, rent, etc.) and then point them in the direction of the nearby Olive Garden that they obviously meant to go to.