Favorite Moments In Film

So I've been stuck on a James Cameron binge for the last week, rewatching pretty much all his films. I always forget how good True Lies actually is, how I almost cried when Jack dies (stupid Rose, she could have held on), and how Aliens was the best Alien movie. Oh, and that Ripley is fucking hardcore.

My Problem with Indian People (Part 7 of a 500-part series)

I tried to write the title of this series without using the word hate (which came off awkwardly) but in cases like this I really need to use it because I hate it when they think they own the fucking place. I can deal with the lack of a tip and the tiny orders but I cannot stand the lack of respect and haughtiness Indian people so prominently display. It's this reason that allows them to be comfortable with being complete assholes, letting their kids run wild or complaining more than a table of old Jewish women. You can tell that they're going to have a huge chip on their shoulder when they strut into the place with a grim look on their face and stand in the middle of the dining room waiting to be seated, ignoring the clearly-fucking-delineated waiting area, because they own the place. They will take their sweet fucking time, ordering one dish every 15 minutes until 11pm, because they own the place. They will make ridiculous requests, like saag paneer without paneer but with eggplant and the paneer on the side, because they own the place. They will expect a complimentary dessert because they're Indian, and they own the place. They won't tip because they are under the impression that THEY OWN MY RESTAURANT.

At this point I just need to find the source that instills this sense of entitlement into these people and destroy it, just like how killing the head vampire kills/saves the underlings. In this case, I hope it kills.

Why The Secret Is Dumb

Favorite Moments In Film

I like it when he cries.

The Ones I'm Really Excited For

So these are the films that I think either have a real shot at Oscar gold or look really fun.

Changeling: October 24th
Haven't seen it yet but I heard it was good. Like I'm not going to see something with John Malkovich?



Synecdoche, New York: October 24th
I'm really looking forward to it when I have time to kill. I really am.



Zack And Miri Make A Porno: October 31st
Was pretty good. Not amazing, but pretty good.



Role Models: November 14th
Totally up there with Tropic Thunger, Pineapple Express, and Forgetting Sarah Marshall as the best comedies this year. Love that they got like half of The State in there too.



Slumdog Millionaire: November 21st
Best movie of the year (that I've seen so far).



Austrailia: November 26th
Pretty. Pretty long. Also pretty.



Milk: November 26th
Sadly this came out too little too late. I understand that the studio held it back for better awards consideration, but I think that if they truly believed in the message of this movie, the least they could have done was release it in CA early.



Transporter 3: November 26th
Frank Martin with a bomb strapped to him.



Frost/Nixon: December 5th
Frank Langella is due an Oscar nom sometime soon, and this role might just nab it for him. Also, I just have to say, his full frontal in Starting Out In The Evening? WTF.



The Reader: December 10th
Kate Winslet nude. Again. She's aging well.



Doubt: December 12th
PSH. Amy Adams. Cruella DeVille. Pretty great cast.



Timecrimes: December 12th
Mexican sci-fi that doesn't involve midgets.



Gran Torino: December 17th
I hope this is more than "angry old man on lawn" jokes.



The Wrestler: December 17th
Mickey Rourke living Mickey Rourke. Best actor right there.



The Brothers Bloom: December 19th
Rachel Weisz.



Last Chance Harvey: Christmas Day
Dustin Hoffman and Emma Thompson had a great chemistry in Stranger Than Fiction, and thankfully someone recognized it enough to give them starring roles together.



Waltz with Bashir: Christmas Day
Heard it was good. Don't remember what it's about.



The Spirit: Christmas Day
From what I've seen it seems like this is going to suck a lot. What's that? Samuel L. Jackson in a Nazi uniform? I'll be there.



The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Christmas Day
Most anticipated anticipated movie of the year. Based on one of my favorite short stories and directed by David Fincher.

Favorite Moments In Film

This clip always makes me feel good, even on the shittiest days...

Favorite Moments In Film

Bryan Singer may have missed the mark (slightly) with Superman Returns by not having enough action sequences, but no one can say he doesn't know action after directing one of the best opening action scenes ever. Like ever. Just makes you wish he stuck around for X3, which I loathed. I mean, how do you ruin so many characters? How do you ruin Juggernaut? Fuck you Ratner.

Favorite Moments In Film

Tarantino just has a knack for simple yet classic conversations. This is probably the best example (besides the female version in Death Proof), though if Mr. Pink ever decided not to tip in my restaurant I'd cut off his fucking ear.

Favorite Moments In Film

You're welcome.

Favorite Moments in Film

If you've never seen the BMW series of films starring Clive Owen, you've missed out, and I pity you. Back in 2002 BMV commisioned a number of A-list directors to create a series of short films involving their latest models and Mr. Owen as a Transporterish driver. This one happens to by my favorite, if only because it proves that Guy Ritchie and Madonna were able to make something together that made sense, unlike their marraige, Swept Away, or their children, Rocco and Lourdes.

The 230 Movies I Plan To See From Now To December, With Trailers! (Part III)

Cadillac Records: December 5th
Not really into Motown and whatnot, but Mos Def is a national treasure. And Beyonce can kinda act. And Adrien Brody has a large nose.



Punisher: War Zone: December 5th
Tom Jane (who did a fantastic job in his turn) isn't around for this one, but Lexi Alexander is a talented director and the acting talent isn't so bad either. Plus there's a real villain this time!



Frost/Nixon: December 5th
More on this later.

Local Color: December 5th
I haven't seen Ray Liotta in a movie without guns since Smokin Ac...Revolve...Identit...Narc...Bee Movie!



The Reader: December 10th
More on this later.

The Day The Earth Stood Still: December 12th
The original holds a special place in my heart. So does Keanu Reeves. Looks interesting so far, even though they're going with the whole "Destroy the Earth" theme.



Nothing Like The Holidays: Decembr 12th
Melonie Diaz is cute. That's all I got.



Doubt: December 12th
More on this later.

Timecrimes: December 12th
More on this later.

Gran Torino: December 17th
More on this later.

The Wrestler: December 17th
More on this later.

The Tale of Despereaux: December 19th
I like mice. Animated ones.



Yes Man: December 19th
Jim Carrey looks legitimately funny in this one. Let's hope I'm right and this isn't another Love Guru.



Nothing But The Truth: December 19th
Spy-drama stuff. Usually entertaining.



Seven Pounds: December 19th
I feel like I'm going to be sorely let down by this with all the hype surrounding it.



The Brothers Bloom: December 19th
More on this later.

Bedtime Stories: Christmas Day
Russell Brand. Don't give a shit about Sandler, I just want to see Brand.



Marley & Me: Christmas Day
Because nothing says Christmas like a divorce and a suicide case, with puppies! (Yeah, that was mean).



Last Chance Harvey: Christmas Day
More on this later.

Waltz with Bashir: Christmas Day
Heard it was good. Don't remember what it's about.



The Spirit: Christmas Day
More on this later.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button: Christmas Day
More on this later.

Favorite Moments In Film

The 230 Movies I Plan To See From Now To December, With Trailers! (Part II)

Max Payne: October 17th
I never really got into the games (since I don't have a Playstation because they're evil) but Mark Wahlberg needs a hit after The Happening and I feel like this could be it. Plus the angel of death stuff looks pretty sweet.



Sex Drive: October 17th
No, really, this looks good, and James Marsden is dreamy, so win-win.



W.: October 17th
There's really nothing I can say other than it has a great cast and a visionary batshit insane director.



What Just Happened?: October 17th
Interesting cast, weird plot. We'll see.



Saw V: October 24th
Never saw Saw IV, but at this point I'm pretty sure story doesn't matter.



Changeling: October 24th
More on this later.

I've Loved You So Long: October 24th
The buzz on this has been pretty good, definitely worth checking out.



Passengers: October 24th
Anne Hathaway.



Pride And Glory: October 24th
A film being in the can for two years before release is never a good sign, but something with Edward Norton and Colin Farrell can't be that bad.



Synecdoche, New York: October 24th
More on this later.

Zack And Miri Make A Porno: October 31st
More on this later.

Repo! The Genetic Opera: November 7th
Watch this trailer then tell me you're not seeing this.



Quantum of Solace: November 7th
They may be great at choosing Bond girls, but they are terrible with titles. I expect a good half hour of the movie to be devoted to explaining it.



Nobel Son: November 14th
Alan Rickman.



Nothing Like The Holidays: November 14th
Because everyone needs a little sappy Christmas family dramadey.



The Road: November 14th
More on this later.

Role Models: November 14th
More on this later.

Soul Men: November 14th
The last performances of Bernie Mac and Issac Hayes. Plus Samuel L. Jackson.



The Soloist: November 21st
Jamie Foxx is overrated. Robert Downey Jr. is underrated.



Austrailia: November 26th
More on this later.

Four Christmases: November 26th
Why the fuck not.



Milk: November 26th
More on this later.

Transporter 3: November 26th
More on this later.

Restaurant Somewhat Confidential: Some Tips for Surviving the Business

1. If and when your chef gets arrested for unpaid tickets, take an Aleve, call your local jail to locate him/her, find out the bail amount, let the Aleve kick in, and get someone else in the kitchen to cover till they get out.

2. If a customer asks for a dish to be spicy, you make it spicy, they complain that it isn't spicy, and the next time they come in you happen to have a Habanero pepper lying around, use two and don't refill their water. They'll be fine.

3. If you can't see the customer, you don't have to acknowledge their existence.

4. Don't let bad reviews on restaurant review websites get to you, but if they do, feel free to write a couple fake reviews.

5. The Heimlich maneuver works, so if a customer shows the slightest sign of choking, apply it, because violating an ugly person's personal space is much better than dealing with a coroner, because they tend to smell and act like they're better than you.

6. If someone has had a few too many and wants a few too many more, oblige them, cause the tip will be huge (drunk= bad with numbers, white and drunk= really bad with numbers), but call them a cab when they're done.

7. Cheap people live and die horribly. Take solace in this.

8. Don't sacrifice anything for quality. Ever.

9. Keep a good amount of change in the restaurant.

10. When someone complains about the high price of your food, explain to them the factors that go into the price (food cost, fresh ingredients, labor, gas, water, rent, etc.) and then point them in the direction of the nearby Olive Garden that they obviously meant to go to.

The 230 Movies I Plan To See From Now To December, With Trailers! (Part I)

So this weekend officially and freals kicks off oscar season, with the Toronto International Film Festival closing up and studios having finished releasing all their leftovers (yes, Nick Cage, that includes your rape of a classic). This means that not only do we get hit with a shitload of new films, but films that might have actual quality. Here's a rundown of all the films I plan to see from now to the end of the season, not just the ones I'm most excited for. I'll get to that later.

Burn After Reading: September 12th
The Coens? Being funny? After directing a superserious modern day masterpiece? Tones of The Big Lebowski? Yeah, I'm there.

Igor: September 19th
I'll do anything for John Cusack, especially after Say Anything, and even after Must Love Dogs.

Lakeview Terrace: September 19th
Samuel L. Jackson. Yelling. A lot.

My Best Friend's Girl: September 19th
I hate Dane Cook, but god dammit can he play an asshole. Oh, and Alec Baldwin is the second coming of Christ.

Appaloosa: September 19th
Jesus there's a lot of stuff coming on the 19th. Anyway, Viggo, Ed Harris, Jeremy Irons, guns. I'll see it depsite Renee Zellwegger.

The Duchess: September 19th
Ok this is ridiculous. I should have just done a fucking post on September 19th and why the industry seems to think this is the best day to release shit. This pretty much looks like Pride & Prejudice 2, with more pretty dresses, so why not?

Eagle Eye: September 26th
I gotta hand it to Shia, he's really growing as an actor and choosing roles in some pretty great projects (A Guide To Recognizing Your Saints, Disturbia, Transformers, ignoring Indy IV). This looks like a pretty good thrill ride with some original action sequences, and Rosario Dawson.

Blindness: September 26th
Anything that goes from described as "trash" by critics one month to being hailed the next (after some quick editing) should be interesting.

Miracle at St. Anna: September 26th
Spike Lee may be a jackass who tends to annoy the hell out of me, but he has a great eye for story and suspense, making his first foray into a war something to see.

The Lucky Ones: September 26th
Haven't seen Rachel McAdams in like forever. Or Tim Robbins. Or Micheal Pena. Should be good.

Choke: September 26th
God dammit I cannot fucking wait.

Flash of Genius: October 3rd
Have you seen Greg Kinnear lately? He's been amazing in everything lately, even Baby Mama! Baby Mama!

How To Lose Friends and Alienate People: October 3rd
Simon Pegg being a bastard, an English bastard. Jeff Bridges being wacky. Kirsten Dunst, whatever. Thank god for Megan Fox.

Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist: October 3rd
Michael Cera being awkward. Kat Dennings being cute. John Cho being... somewhere in there. Can't go wrong.

RocknRolla: October 3rd
I'm considering flying to London in the next 2 weeks just to see this before it comes to the States. From what I've read, Ritchie's back to his Lock, Stock and Snatch roots, which is completely welcome after Revolver.

Rachel Getting Married: October 3rd
One of the requisite "dysfunctional family" indie films that come around every season, with Anne Hathaway being the latest actress to go this route. Reminds me a lot of Margot At The Wedding, which was alright...

Religilous: October 3rd
Bill Maher lampooning religion. Could go either way.

Body of Lies: October 10th
Not that interested, but still interested.

City of Ember: October 10th
Bill Murray. Bill Murray. Bill Murray.

Quarantine: October 10th
Pretty decent horror plot with an attractive female lead. I think that's the tagline...

Wow, that's a lot more than I initially started with. I'll come back with part 2 later, cause I'm too fuckin lazy right now.

Favorite Moments In Film

Still makes me laugh every time.

Oh Hey, From Before...

So I obviously haven't written anything here for awhile. The last 2 months have just been extremely busy and trying, and although it's not like the next few are going to be any different, I figure I need to take time every now and then to do some things for myself, and I happen to consider this blog one of those things. At least here I can post all the "inappropriate" thoughts that go through my head, the ones that too "wrong" and "offensive" for the workplace, and since my co-workers tend to read this thing sometimes, it's only fitting. Plus I've discovered so many more things to waste time writing about, especially about Indian people (assholes) as well as the occasional restaurant yarn (I saved a fat guy!) or documenting of my mastering of basic culinary skills (going terribly). I hope to update this every few days, but we'll see how well that goes, since I stick to things about as well as Eastern Europeans do to showering.

Favorite Moments in Film

So I haven't written anything here for awhile as the last few weeks have been hectic and I've been lazier than usual. I feel energized today since I'll be seeing The Dark Knight tonight (in IMAX, the right way) and, in reading report after report about how great Heath's performance is, couldn't help thinking about my favorite Heath moment. I'll be checking in more often from now on, but for now, enjoy the wonderfulness that is this scene.

Oh, and fuck you Brett.

Favorite Moments in Film

Silence of the Lambs. Lecter's escape. Those of you who don't like blood, don't watch.

Epic.

Favorite Moments in Film

Very few people tend to watch martial arts films from asia these days, settling for the over-stylized choreography Hollywood offers in every other action movie. This scene is from Tom Yung Goong, a Thai film starring Tony Jaa, the current king of martial arts in Asia, who does all of his own crazy, insane stunts. Not only is it one long take, but one long crazy fight scene that defies movie-making rules. Behold the awesomeness.

Things I Learned This Weekend

1. I shouldn't make fun of customers who wear sunglasses in the restaurant. It's "rude."

2. Pointing out that a customer is wrong is, apparently, wrong, despite our belief that the customer is more often than not wrong.

3. Old people are cheap. And they love lamb.

4. My dad doesn't like omelettes. When I make them.

5. R.E.M. got really good again.

6. I might be over Guitar Hero. Might be.

7. There are 12 birds nests around our house and one inside. I officially live in a bird sanctuary.

Favorite Moments in Film

If you know me, you know I'm a sucker for long takes. Like everyone else, I also love a great piece of dialogue. This, perhaps, is my favorite combination of the two, from a movie I have seen 183 times (I'll probably watch it again tonight, so 184).

Favorite Moments in Film

A popular trend in Hollywood for the past decade has been comedic actors taking serious turns on film: Jim Carrey, Will Ferrell, Robin Williams, and Bill Murray. Some really hit the mark (Bill Murray, Lost in Translation) and some don't and should never try again (Will Ferrell, anything even remotely dramatic). One surprising example is Adam Sandler in Punch Drunk Love, which is an amazing film by PTA that really allows Sandler to show his depth as an actor. The combination of his tortured performance and Anderson's direction makes this one of my favorite and most memorable films.

Wednesdays With Oliver

I had to fire Oliver 2 weeks ago for being terrible at his job, not for being an idiot, but I'll leave you with one last gem.

Oliver: How come some Indian people have normal names and some have weird ones?

Me: You mean how some have Catholic names and others have Indian names?

Oliver: Yeah.

Me: Well some Indians are Catholic and get Catholic names and some are Hindu and get Hindu or traditional Indian names.

Oliver: That's dumb. They should just choose easy names like John and stuff.

Me: Yeah, and they should wear gold stars on their clothes.

Oliver: Do they do that?

Me: Have you ever heard of the Holocaust?

Oliver: Is that a band?

Me: Are you kidding me?

Oliver: Why? Is it a really good band? Are they metal? I love metal bro.

My Problem with Indian People (Part 6 of a 500-part series)

This past Saturday was ridiculously busy. One of the chefs didn't show up, dad had to be in the kitchen, house was packed all night, and we ended up doing 117 covers (we're a 40 seat restaurant). Throughout this craziness, an Indian family came in with an online reservation for a 4 seat. I sat them down and handed them menus, asked their drinks a few minutes later (4 waters no ice), and gave them some time to decide on dinner. After 15 minutes (they asked for more time) with 3 tables waiting at the door, they decided to tell me that they didn't want to eat. Why? Because it was too expensive.

(Most) Indian people are cheap. There it is. When they come into the restaurant, I don't expect to write much of an order let alone a reasonable tip. The majority of families will come in and order 1 dish and 4-5 breads, which is like 1.5 pieces of chicken or paneer per person. After eating and expressing their enjoyment of the food, they will always complain that it's too expensive. No matter how amazed they are with the quality, it's always too fucking expensive. It's behavior like this that causes us to say "Oh shit, desis" under our breath when they walk in, which makes us look like dicks, but whatever.

This character trait doesn't just apply to food, but to all facets of life. Every transaction becomes an opportunity to haggle or complain, no matter how much money they make from their cushy IT job (yes I stereotype fuck you very much). Many of the people my parents know are disgustingly rich (Newport Coast rich) and praise our food every chance they get, yet haven't been to the restaurant within the last 10 years, because they're fucking cheap. They will continue to frequent the cheapest, crappiest Indian fast food Orange County has to offer and pretend like it's fucking ambrosia, because who could say otherwise about $5.99 for Tandoori chicken?

Indian people are often portrayed as either uptight or laid back and carefree, but I think we all know which way they really lean. They need to lighten up and enjoy the money they work so hard to make. If Asian people can do it, god knows desis can too.

Restaurant Somewhat Confidential: Fingertips and Breakups

Running a restaurant is, as cliche as this sounds, a war of attrition. On one side, you have your heroes (me), leading a ragtag group of mouthbreathers with basic culinary skills to unattainable glory. Then there's the enemy (customers), who will stop at nothing to find and expose your slightest weakness, ripping you open and driving you under with all their might.* As with all wars, there's crying, screaming, and every now and then limbs are lost, as was the case a few weeks ago.

It was 6:30 on Friday night and we were already fucked. Parents were out of town and I was completely in charge. Full house, understaffed, and oversexed (standard). Lots of children, lots of screaming, and lots of Aleve. Seriously, I wanna endorse the stuff, it's magical. Now, no matter how stressed the waitstaff is or how dire the dining room situation may be, the kitchen is always more laid back than an ironing board. There's music (Bollywood film songs, Power 106, or that Ranchero accordion crap), laughter, and more penis jokes than you can shake a... well, penis at. Seriously, if you ever work in a restaurant, go somewhere without any type of sausage or kebab on the menu, cause it's all phallic, all the time. Better yet, don't work at a restaurant, be a telemarketer. Then kill yourself.

Knowing all this, I stopped dead in my tracks the moment I realized there was not one goddamn sound coming out of that seemingly never ending fiesta. I peered in and saw everyone circled around Nitin, the new Tandoor guy, and I started looking for the blood. It was bound to be somewhere. Not spotting anything after a cursory glance, I became hopeful about the situation, and asked what the fuck everyone was standing around for. Then I see Nitin, holding a towel over his left hand, sadly motioning to the tip of his left index finger, lying on the cutting board next to some green and newly red cilantro. "Fuck."

My first reaction was "Wow, he's really calm." Using my terrible Hindi, I figured he thought there really wasn't much bleeding and didn't feel much pain. Without my dad around, I had to make a decision fast, and despite my hoping it would all work out fine, I thought it best to take him to the walk-in clinic nearby (yeah I know, I'm an asshole, that should've been my first choice). I told Nitin to keep holding the towel and putting pressure on his nub while I put his fingertip on ice and grabbed my keys. Just after I told him this, he decided to take the towel off.

For a moment, hushed silence. Then he started screaming and blood was spraying everywhere. Just like in Kill Bill. Seriously. Three other guys forced the towel back on and tried to calm him down, and as much as I cared about his well being, the whole time I just keep thinking "Please don't get blood on the expensive ingredients." Luckily the nub was re-covered before any food got a fresh coat and Nitin's yelling became a quiet whimpering (with the help of 2 Aleve tablets).

Ten minutes and near collision later, a kindly old nurse at the clinic sprayed some weird foam that smelled like cherries on Nitin's finger and reattached the tip. After paying about $400 for this (fuck the US healthcare system, honestly), we raced back to the restaurant. Nitin, the good sport, refused to go home and rest and continued to work for the night. I headed into the dining room and, for the second time that night, faced the greatest fear of any restaurateur: silence.

The room was still packed, people were quietly eating, and everyone was trying not to stare at Table 4 in the corner. Walking over there, I found a young man with his head in his hands and a cute brunette with tear-smudged makeup. Knowing that this was already a huge mistake in, I thought "Fuck it" and asked if everything was alright. The girl's answer consisted of a bunch of sobbing, pointing, and the liberal use of the word "asshole." The guy said they were just going through a rough patch. Not wanting to deal with the mounting checks in the back, I tried to remedy the situation and get them the fuck out of there.

I start off by asking the basic questions, like how long they've been together and such (highly inappropriate, but hey, that's me). Turns out it's been three years and long distance but the girl just moved back for good. Then I simply asked if they loved each other, to which they both replied yes. After pointing out that the decision was pretty simple knowing those facts, the guy agreed to give it another shot and work things out, which elicited a tiny annoying scream from the girl. They shared an awkward hug and kiss across the table, and I asked if they wanted anything else. Thankfully, he just needed the bill. Dr. Phil, go fuck yourself.

After checking on the other tables and finishing the checks in the back, I spent the rest of the night playing tennis on my cell (great timewaster). At the end of service as I held the door open for the last table to leave, a guy asked, "Hey, is that blood on your shirt?" I look down and see a faint smattering of blood on the right side of my shirt. I proudly reply "Yes, but it's not mine." He smiles. "Nice," he says. "Nice."


*Note: I love our customers. Most of them. Really.

Favorite Moments in Film

Still think this is one of the scariest scenes ever...

My Problem with Indian People (Part 5 of a 500-part series)

They are never on time. Ever. I'm not exaggerating, they just suck at being places at the appropriate or agreed-upon time. If they make a reservation for, let's say, 8:00pm, I can guarantee you that they won't be there before 8:30, 9:45 at the latest, and complain about there not being a table or the restaurant closing, after trying to contact them 3 times. If there is a party that starts at a certain time, they will arrive at least an hour late, and complain about the food being cold or something else as ridiculous. Just remember, if you're ever meeting an Indian person anywhere, be there at least 40 minutes late, so for once they'll know what it's like to have their time wasted instead of yours.

Why We Aren't Friends With Our Neighbors

Neighbor Lady Person: (Walking by) Wow, you sure you got enough beer there? (on the 20 extra cases of Indian beer we keep in the garage for the restaurant)

My Mom: Well, probably not since we're all alcoholics.

Neighbor Lady Person: Oh, that's... nice.

My Mom: Well, it is until the fighting starts.

Neighbor Lady Person: (Nervous laughing) ...Have a nice day. (Speedwalks away)

Favorite Moments in Film

So I decided to start a list (God I love lists) of my favorite scenes from film. It could be something that really touched me in an emotionally transcendent way, an amazing sequence of dialogue, or a bunch of cool shit blowing up. It's all up in the air here. To start it off, one of my favorite scenes ever, the tango from Scent of a Woman.

Wii Play, Wii Drink

I already know 5 people who will buy this. Not good.

Musings

Why does MySpace seem so complicated to setup yet every idiot and (stupid) rapist out there has such an intricately complex page?

Do people who bought PT Cruisers when they first came out just feel really bad now?

Neil Diamond is surprisingly handsome.

I have a pretty good feeling that Chinese Democracy is coming out this year.

Where the hell does everyone find the uber-indie music they put on their Myspace page?

I think I'll apply for the next round of Hell's Kitchen.

How dare that girl get angry at me for staring at her ass. I just wanted to know if it said "Juice" or "Juicy," it was too scrunched to tell.

What kind of people buy tarantulas on Ebay?

Wednesdays with Oliver

Oliver: (Looking at a charge slip) Dude, look at this guy's signature. It's like he's retarded or something!

Me: He has cerebral palsy, and he's one of our best customers.

Oliver: He has cereal palms? Does that mean he can't write good?

There is No Good Sushi in Irvine

Now, this may come off as a little racist (big surprise) but you would think that with the high amount of Japanese people in Irvine, there would be at least one amazing sushi restaurant, somewhere with food that's simple yet flavorful and fresh, but no. Hell, most places in Boston do it better, and those are all owned by Koreans. Like everything else in my life, this simple pleasure is denied me, forcing me into my corner of broken dreams a.k.a. the crappy sushi next door. I just don't understand why lesser cities around here have some of the best sushi in California (even that really dirty city... you know the one) and all Irvine gets is franchised crap. It's kinda the people's fault though, cause they're idiots. On the recommendation of a friend, I went to a new popular place a few weeks ago (Yen Sushi) and got a shrimp tempura roll and some toro. I haven't spoken to that person in 3 weeks. The shrimp was frozen tempura. fried about 3 hours before I ate it. And this is supposed to be the best we have? Lately I've been eating quite a bit at Fukada, an noodle house with the best soba in Orange County. What annoys me is they also have the best spicy tuna roll I have ever tasted, but they aren't even a sushi place. What the fuck? Get your fucking act together Irvine, and stop being such a little bitch.

My Problem with Indian People (Part 4 of a 500-part series)

Dear (Indian) Sir,

I'm staring at the charge slip you just signed. I see your signature, the charge amount, the suggested tip amounts, and then your tip. Why? Why so little? You just paid over $100 for your dinner, and yet you leave $2.00 for the tip. Why? You raved about how good everything was, you had no complaints, I put up with your stuck-up bullshit and your ugly ill-mannered children who made a complete fucking mess by throwing rice everywhere. Yet still, there it is, you perpetuating the stereotype that Indian people are cheap and don't tip, which isn't really a stereotype since the majority of them are cheap, like you, you douchenozzle. You're not in India anymore, you can't pull this bullshit here. I hear you complaining sometimes about how Americans treat you like you're an Indian stereotype for "no reason," but the problem is that you have your head stuck so far up your ass that you can't see that their actions are sadly justified. The worst part of your lack of intelligence and disregard for human decency is, your bastard children are learning this habit from you, who will undoubtedly instill it in their children, and so on and so fucking forth. So next time you're in, please, man up and try to leave, oh, I don't know, I'll be lenient, 10% for the tip. Just remember, if you don't, I'll add it for you, because I fucking can.

Love,
Pissed off NRI

P.S. Get a decent haircut. Your head looks like a poodle's ass.

Cons of Having a Smart Car (So Far)

1. The attention. Sometimes it's a little awkward. Everyone needs a little private time in their car to pick their nose and such, but now I can't because every damn person is watching me.

2. Meeting interesting people. People are fucking weird. And ballsy. I've already had two people ask me to give them a ride around parking lots (which I did) and one (huge) guy ask to sit in the front seat (which I allowed out of fear). I also don't enjoy sitting in a restaurant and watching people paw, stroke, and look inside the car while I'm eating. I'm looking into shock-alarm systems...

3. Idiots trying to race me. Now I'm always down for this at least once a day, but I don't need every other Beamer-driving asshole looking over at me, waving, honking, or otherwise indicating to me that they want to race. At this point, I may just swerve into you and force you into a ditch, and there's a shitload of ditches around here.

4. Drivers slowing down to look. This is extremely annoying as of late, even more so when I'm in a rush. The fact that I have an adorable car does not mean you need to slow down to look or take extra time at a stop sign, especially when YOU'RE IN FRONT OF ME!

5. People laughing. I don't get what's so funny about a small Indian guy driving a cute tiny blue car while blasting Tori Amos with his windows down. Someone explain this to me.

I'm sure there will be many more of these to come as well.

Wednesdays With Oliver

Oliver: So like, were you born brown?

Me: (glare)

Oliver: Like when you were a baby?

Me: Seriously? Are you really asking me this? Do you think I was born white and got browner over time?

Oliver: No, I mean like, were you whiter than you are now, and like you got browner after being in the sun more growing up?

Me: Do you think black people get blacker over time?

Oliver: Yeah dude. They like come out brown and get black, and I thought like brown people are less brown and get really brown.

Me: Did you grow up with any black friends?

Oliver: Yeah, a lot man.

Me: Did they get darker over the years?

Oliver: I don't know, they just beat me up a lot.

Me: I wonder why...

Oliver: Cause I was fat bro and couldn't run away fast.

Me: That's a good reason too.

How I Saved Myself From A Year's Worth of Guilt Trips

So I kicked Mother's Day's ass. Finally. See, I've somewhat screwed up the last 5 rounds of this joyous occasion, either by forgetting totally or fucking up what I had planned. The worst one was about 4 years ago, when I was driving home late the night before and remembered to pick up a card, grabbed the first one I saw at CVS, and was horrified as it was opened by my mother the following morning, realizing that it was addressed to an expecting mother. Yeah, that was bad, but it's in the past and doesn't really matter anymore since I fucking nailed it today.

The first step I took towards being a decent human being involved actually listening to my mother for the past 2 weeks in order to surmise what she might enjoy as a present. Thankfully, the Today Show helps advertise lots of useless items that would bring joy into the middle-aged woman across the nation. Of all the things that really catch her attention, it's a decorative cupcake book.

Cupcakes.

She never makes cupcakes. I have never seen her make them or heard her mention any stories in which cupcakes were involved, but fuck it, she was excited, and now I had something to get her. I drove like a madman (everyday driving) to the nearest B&N, grabbed the only copy, a card, and an iced tea for myself (I require positive reinforcement). All that was left was the easy part: breakfast.

Woke up at like 6 this morning to start cooking some cupcakes to decorate with one of the ideas from the book (which are pretty nifty). Yes, I just used the word nifty. Breakfast itself consisted of a light fruit salad to start, followed by Eggs Benedict, and finished off with the cupcakes. Here's how it all turned out:

Eggs Benedict.

"Spaghetti and Meatballs" Cupcakes. Made using Ferrero Rocher chocolates, raspberry jam, and regular frosting.

Needless to say, she was ecstatic and amazed at not only my culinary ability (which she regularly has no faith in) but the fact that I didn't fuck up. And of course, after happily thanking me, she tacks on the disclaimer "But there's always next year..." So much for guilt-free.

Why Orange County Disgusts Me (Occasionally)

Wednesdays With Oliver

Let me preface this edition of W.W.O. by assuring the doubtful that yes, Oliver is a real person, and yes, he is this ignorant.

Oliver: So like do you guys ever wear turbans?

Me: No. Never. Please stop asking questions.

Oliver: So which Indians wear turbans?

Me: Jesus fucking... OK, the main religion in India is Hinduism, which is SEPARATE from Islam, and in Hinduism, there are different sects, like in Christianity, and one of them is the Sikhs, and part of their religion is to wear turbans. We are not Sikhs. I am not religious. Did you follow all of that?

Oliver: Yeah.

Me: Good.

Oliver: But like, my brother's a radiologist, and he said that most Indians and Arab people wear turbans, and he's pretty smart bro.

Me: OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Oliver: I thought you weren't religious.

Me: Was that a joke? Did you actually make a smart joke?

Oliver: No man, he's really a radiologist.

Me: (Sigh) That's great. Go talk to Tony for awhile.

Oliver: He told me to talk to you a little bit ago.

Me: TONY YOU FUCK!

Pros Of Having A Smart Car (So Far)

1. Obviously, the gas mileage. Pulling like 40mpg at the moment.

2. The attention. For an attention whore like me, it's perfect.

3. Meeting interesting people. All kinds of people keep coming up to me and asking me about the car or taking pictures, from old women to schoolbuses full of kids. Many grassroots "save the environment" people seem to be coming out the woodwork and finding me as well, generally excited by the car and the "good" I'm doing. Thumbs up for me!*

4. Making people smile. Almost everyone who sees the car does a double take and just smiles, which is a nice thing to inspire in people I guess. Lots of waving and respectful head nodding involved as well.

5. Pissing off Bug owners. I hate the Bug, so this works out well for me.

6. Phone numbers from cute girls. I've gotten 3 so far, one yesterday at a stop sign. I probably should have made this #1...

I'm sure there will be many more soon to come.

*Note: I think these people are idiots.

And The Summer Movie Season Truly Begins

Summer movies seen so far:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall: Perhaps my favorite comedy in the last 5 years. Definitely the best from Apatown and 10X more heart than Superbad.

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay: A little derivative, but still a good sequel. NPH owns.

Baby Mama: ...

Iron Man: Saw it tonight. Robert Downey Jr. is amazing. Totally kicked off the summer. Must see.

My Problem with Indian People (Part 3 of a 500-part series)

9:05pm: Phone call

Me: We close at 10 and our kitchen closes at 9:45,

Desi: If we come at 9:30 could you give us a few extra minutes until 10:10 maybe?

Me: Sure, not a problem sir, we'll see you shortly.

9:40pm: 2 out of the 6 people have arrived

9:52pm: All 6 people have arrived

Me: What would you like to drink?

Desi: Can we get two waters, three hot waters, and one chilled water?

Me: And for dinner?

Desi: Please don't rush. We only just now arrived.

Me: Yes, but I did explain that the kitchen closes at 9:45 and out staff is waiting for your order before leaving.

Desi: Just 5 minutes.

10:05: They order 3 dishes and 6 naans...

10:15: Food goes out.

10:45: They finish eating.

10:48: Hand them the check.

11:05: They decide to pay. With 6 cards.

11:20: They leave. $1.00 tip on each charge.*

11:22: I lock the door, turn off the lights, and die a little inside. Then I gorge on In-N-Out. It blocks the pain.

*I'll get to tipping next time.

Wednesdays With Oliver

Oliver: Dude, I was like clearing that table, and I knocked over the beer bottle, and the guy was like "Don't worry, we drank it all" and I was like "Can I get you another?" and he was like "Yeah, why not." It was so money!

Me: Just be careful next time.

Oliver: We were all laughing, it was so money!

Me: Stop saying money.

Oliver: Why? It was money.

Me: What does that even mean?

Oliver: It's like, money man.

Me: You're fired.

Oliver: For reals dude?

Me: I wish.

Oliver: Haha, good one!

Me: (glare)

NEW CAR!

So I finally got my first car last Sunday, and it's amazing.

I feel legitimately happy for the first time in a long while.

Wednesdays With Oliver

Oliver: "So when are you getting married?"

Me: "What?"

Oliver: "Don't like Indian people get married when they turn 21?"

Me: "I'm 22."

Oliver: "So you're already married? DUDE, you never told me!"

Me: "No, you're thinking of arranged marraiges, and that usually happens in India, and it's going out of fashion, and it doesn't happen at 21."

Oliver: "So you're not married?"

Me: "I want you to think hard about what you know about me, come up with an answer to that question yourself, then decide whether you really have to ask that question, kay?"

Oliver: "... So what's her name?"

Me: "Do you see a ring on my finger?"

Oliver: "Indians use rings too?"

Me: "Go check the fucking water outside."

NEW CAR!

(more info soon)

My Problem with Indian People (Part 2 of a 500-part series)

Why do you have to stare at me? Why? Yes, I'm Indian, and so are you. Yes, we happen to be the only Indian people at whatever place we're at. There's still no reason to keep staring. Why? Maybe you didn't expect there to be another desi there? Maybe you're surprised to see someone else with a year-round tan? Maybe you're an idiot?

Ok, it's been about 5 minutes, you can stop pretending to not stare. I'm sorry, my mistake, you're not even pretending not to, just brazenly STARING RIGHT AT ME. Now I tire of your antics and stare back, asking "Yes?" And you finally walk away. That's right, run you bastard, run.

BMW Drivers Are Douchebags

No matter race, gender, or sexual preference, if you drive a BMW, you're a douchebag. Be it the teenager in the souped up M3 or the old Asian lady in her Z4, they all feel the need to race or "smoke" (in the parlance of our times) everyone around them. Granted I occasionally indulge my need to race or show off, but if you're behind me on the freeway and we're both going the same speed, there's no need to switch lanes, speed up, pass me, then switch back to my lane ahead of me and continue at the same fucking pace. All BMW drivers seem to think they own the roads, just because they're driving a second-class German luxury car (Mercedes are 10X better you pricks, there, I said it). So if you're in a BMW next to me going up a hill and I'm in my GMC Savannah and I see you try to pass me, I will speed up and block you. Although you may be a douchebag in a fast car and I'm in a large clunky van, I'm a Mercedes driver first, so I'm an asshole, but at least I'm not a douchebag, douchebag.

My Problem With Indian People (Part 1 of a 500-part series)

This is for all you young 30-something Indian parents out there: CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. If you decide to bring them to a fine dining establishment, don't let them roam all over the place and bother other customers. If you see them tampering with a large, expensive piece of art, stop them. If they throw food all around the table, make them stop and maybe pick up some of it instead of glaring at the staff as if they caused the mess. If they're hiding under a table that the staff needs to set or seat customers at, get them the fuck out. If they start banging their forks and plates together, and you just keep asking them to stop, grow a pair and make them stop. You're not being nice to them or being good parents, you're just instilling terrible habits that will continue to carry over from generation to generation, like NOT CONTROLLING YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN PRIVATE FUCKING ESTABLISHMENTS!

WTF Irvine?

Three times today I have been complemented on how well-spoken I am, and also how refreshing it is to come to an Indian restaurant where everyone speaks English. How the fuck am I supposed to take that? You would think that with the amount of diversity in this town, you wouldn't even encounter such thinly-veiled racism.

And yes, I said "Thank you."

My Plan To Be Broke By The Middle Of June

This summer is going to be amazing. Not in terms of the "real" (Note: Orange County) world I inhabit and the events that tend to transpire in my life, but the amount of seemingly mind-blowingly entertaining movies coming out. Unlike last summer, with sequel after fucking sequel being churned out, some with high hopes (I trusted you Spiderman, I trusted you...), this time around we're being treated to plenty of original films with actual plots and great casts (4 Apatow films!). Here's a roundup of everything I plan to see this summer, and which ones I plan to actually pay to see.

P= Pay, D= Download*

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (P) - Yes, I know this comes out in like 3 weeks, but as far as I'm concerned the summer movie season starts then
The Forbidden Kingdom (D)
Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? (P)
Baby Mama (D) - Love Tina Fey, but reviews aren't so hot for this
Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay (P)
Iron Man (P) - Can't wait
Redbelt (D)
Speed Racer (P)
Noise (D)
Mister Lonely (D)
The Tracey Fragments (D)
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (P) - Of course I'm paying, it's fucking Indy!
Sex and the City: The Movie (D) - Have to finish watching the series first
The Strangers (P)
The Foot Fist Way (P)
Stuck (P)
Kung Fu Panda (P)
You Don't Mess With The Zohan (D) - I refuse to acknowledge this as an Apatow film
Mongol (D)
The Promotion (P)
The Happening (P)
The Incredible Hulk (P)
Get Smart (P)
The Love Guru (D) - Really Mike Myers, really?
Brick Lane (D)
Religulous (D)
Wall-E (P) - Best movie of the summer, calling it right now
Wanted (P)
Hancock (D) - Sounds like butchered a great script
Hellboy II: The Golden Army (P)
Meet Dave (D)
The Dark Knight (P) - Probably my and the world's most anticipated film of the year
Mamma Mia! (P) - Yes, I love ABBA, get over it
The Longshots (D) - Fred Durst directing. Fred. Durst.
Step Brothers (P) - Will Ferrell's cooling on me, but I love me some John C. Reilly
The X-Files 2 (P) - !!!!!!!
American Teen (D)
Baghead (D)
Henry Poole Is Here (D)
Boy A (D)
He's Just Not That Into You (D)
The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor (P)
The Rocker (P)
Choke (P)
Swing Vote (D)
Pineapple Express (P) - God this summer rocks
Hell Ride (D)
The International (P) - I'll pay for anything with Clive Owen. ANYTHING.
Mirrors (D)
Star Wars: The Clone Wars (P)
Tropic Thunder (P) - Robert Downey Jr. Blackface. Tom Cruise in a fatsuit. I'm there.
Towelhead (D)
The Accidental Husband (D)
Bangkok Dangerous (D) - I know Nick Cage will fuck this up somehow
The House Bunny (D)
Crossing Over (D)
Hamlet 2 (P)
Babylon A.D. (D)
Vicky Cristina Barcelona (P)
Traitor (D)
Passengers (D)
Punisher: War Zone (P)
The Duchess (P)
Righteous Kill (P)

*Status subject to change depending on funds and critical response

Wednesdays With Oliver

Oliver: So do Indian people believe in the same god as Christian people?

Me: Technically, yes, but Hindus also believe in multiple gods that represent different aspects of life.

Oliver: I thought you guys believe in like Allah and stuff.

Me: No, that's Muslims. Hinduism and Islam are 2 different religions.

Oliver: But you guys are always saying "Praise Allah" and stuff.

Me: Have you ever heard anyone here say that?

Oliver: No, but like, brown people are always saying that.

Me: There's so many things wrong with..

Oliver: So have you ever seen the Taj Mahal? Is it big? Are there really a bunch of dead people in it?

Me: Do you remember why I fired you the first time? Like the main points I went over with you 4 months ago?

Oliver: You fired me? I thought you just told me not to come back.

Me: (Glare)

Oliver: So did they like build the Taj Mahal for Allah?

State Of The Brown Guy

At the moment, I am trying to take care of both of my parents, water and maintain the front and backyard gardens, keeping the house clean, figuring out how to complete my educational goals yet again, re-organizing and fixing issues in the restaurant, blogging, looking for/stealing new staff members, developing and adding content to the restaurant website, organizing a PR package, coming up with a business plan for a new restaurant, dealing with my emotional detachment and inability to express emotion in any way other than sarcasm, designing a new logo, coming up with a business plan for a lunchtime delivery service from the restaurant to surrounding businesses in the Spectrum area, spending most days and nights working at the restaurant, not sleeping, coming up with yet another business plan for an Ayurvedic supplement company, learning to play guitar, and dealing with an asshole of a cockatiel who hates me.

Seriously, he's a dick.

Smart Decisions (It's A Pun, You'll Get It If You Keep Reading)

For various reasons (the main one being the ridiculous price of gas), we will be turning in the family car aka my car soon (ML350) for a new one (C300) that would get better mileage but still be functional. This makes me sad. I may have started off hating the ML, but I grew to love it, mainly because it always proved useful to transport all the random shit we buy for the restaurant and home, and also because it allowed me to go very very fast.

Now I know I sound spoiled, I'll be the first one to say it, but I always acknowledge the fact that I've been very lucky to have driven Mercedes all my life, and I think driving those cars as well as the various large bulky vans we've had balances out. I'm past the point of being made to feel bad about driving these cars, because as my mother puts it, "We've worked our asses off for these, so fuck everyone else." A short history of "my" cars:

So yes, I've been lucky, and I still am. This car will still allow me to drive like an asshole and transport things with ease. The thing is, within a month my mom will be turning in her car, and in place of that we will be getting....

A Smart Car. Which will become my car. We've been on the waiting list for 4 months, and it can take up to a year or so to get one. Now, these things are cool, we checked one out a week ago and it's pretty sweet inside. It's got everything you would find in a luxury vehicle (navigation, iPod support, Bluetooth, CD changer, leather seats) and is quite spacious. I'm very excited, but I'm also very worried, for 2 reasons. One is that it has an automatic manual transmission, which means that it will automatically change gears, but it requires a little footwork (press and release) to do so smoothly. This is seriously going to affect my ability to drive fast/like an asshole.

The other concern is that an SUV will hit me and I will be crushed to death like a Snicker's bar in a fat kid's pocket. Still, very excited.

So I've Taken Up Smoking...

I started smoking 3 days ago in an effort to get my dad to stop. He's been promising to stop for about 6 years and we've tried every method to break the habit (except hypnotism, that's just fucking stupid). His health is at a point now where if he doesn't stop, there will be serious repercussions. I understand that it's a stress reliever as much as it's a bad habit, so we try to get him to explore other relaxation options (he's really enjoying feeding the koi at Fashion Island, so that's a positive). His memory hasn't been so great lately, so hopefully he remembers that I have crippling asthma and will make a serious effort to stop smoking himself.

I've also noticed the treatment I now receive as a smoker (albeit 3 days old). I haven't really mastered the art of covering the smell of cigarrettes yet, and in the restaurant people have been acting a little distanced towards me, especially the regulars. I did, however, make new friends with people in the center who hang out in the back to smoke. It's like immediate acceptance whenever you ask for or offer a light, no matter how many people you've killed. They do think I'm kind of an asshole now after they asked for the reason I took up smoking, which apparently offended some of them. So I've managed to get myself shunned from both smokers and non-smokers, which just proves again how good I am at alienation (like REALLY good). Everyone has pointed out that I'm probably going to get addicted myself, but that won't happen to me, I know that.

On another note, Marlboro really is flavor country...

Obligatory Obligatory I Started A Blog Post

So I started a blog to escape from the hell that is my life, although I'll probably end up discussing the current events in my life extensively here.


Fuck.