Friday, April 11, 2008

My Problem with Indian People (Part 2 of a 500-part series)

Why do you have to stare at me? Why? Yes, I'm Indian, and so are you. Yes, we happen to be the only Indian people at whatever place we're at. There's still no reason to keep staring. Why? Maybe you didn't expect there to be another desi there? Maybe you're surprised to see someone else with a year-round tan? Maybe you're an idiot?

Ok, it's been about 5 minutes, you can stop pretending to not stare. I'm sorry, my mistake, you're not even pretending not to, just brazenly STARING RIGHT AT ME. Now I tire of your antics and stare back, asking "Yes?" And you finally walk away. That's right, run you bastard, run.

Monday, April 7, 2008

BMW Drivers Are Douchebags

No matter race, gender, or sexual preference, if you drive a BMW, you're a douchebag. Be it the teenager in the souped up M3 or the old Asian lady in her Z4, they all feel the need to race or "smoke" (in the parlance of our times) everyone around them. Granted I occasionally indulge my need to race or show off, but if you're behind me on the freeway and we're both going the same speed, there's no need to switch lanes, speed up, pass me, then switch back to my lane ahead of me and continue at the same fucking pace. All BMW drivers seem to think they own the roads, just because they're driving a second-class German luxury car (Mercedes are 10X better you pricks, there, I said it). So if you're in a BMW next to me going up a hill and I'm in my GMC Savannah and I see you try to pass me, I will speed up and block you. Although you may be a douchebag in a fast car and I'm in a large clunky van, I'm a Mercedes driver first, so I'm an asshole, but at least I'm not a douchebag, douchebag.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

My Problem With Indian People (Part 1 of a 500-part series)

This is for all you young 30-something Indian parents out there: CONTROL YOUR CHILDREN. If you decide to bring them to a fine dining establishment, don't let them roam all over the place and bother other customers. If you see them tampering with a large, expensive piece of art, stop them. If they throw food all around the table, make them stop and maybe pick up some of it instead of glaring at the staff as if they caused the mess. If they're hiding under a table that the staff needs to set or seat customers at, get them the fuck out. If they start banging their forks and plates together, and you just keep asking them to stop, grow a pair and make them stop. You're not being nice to them or being good parents, you're just instilling terrible habits that will continue to carry over from generation to generation, like NOT CONTROLLING YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN PRIVATE FUCKING ESTABLISHMENTS!